I couldn't wait to be a mother - but now I think I was happier before having kids

A mother who says she has plenty of family support and a wonderful partner has provoked a debate by admitting she was still happier before she had children, asking if it's a 'terrible attitude to have'.  

The anonymous parent unburdened herself on the UK parenting forum Mumsnet, revealing that she has a son, who is 10, and is expecting her second child in September.  

She explained that while she had been keen to become a mother, she couldn't help but feel she had been happier before she had children. 

The woman added that she might have remained child free if she had known what being a mother demanded before getting pregnant. 

Her honest post received mixed responses, with some admitting they felt the same, and others saying she should have considered this before getting pregnant.

One British mother admitted she felt happier before she had children in a candid post on the parenting website Mumsnet (stock image)

The woman began her post by explaining she had always wanted to be a mother and welcomed her first child 10 years ago, and is expecting her second in September. 

She also prefaced her post by saying she was not depressed or stressed out, but that she felt she was happier before becoming a parent. 

'I was happier before I had children. I am sure for most, while they’d say parenting can be hard, the benefits outweigh the negatives or hard times,' she said. 

'But for me, if I’d actually known what was involved in parenting I’d have remained childfree and chosen a life partner who also didn’t want children,' she went on. 

She also added she admires people who know they don't want children and stick to not having any, and pondered how many people find out they'd rather not have children only after welcoming a child. 

She added that while she adores her son and is a good mother, she might not have had children if she had known what it entailed before she got pregnant. 

The parent added she felt she was happier when she was only responsible for herself and said she missed that 'peace of mind,' saying it had been freeing. 

'I greatly enjoyed (although I didn’t appreciate it at the time) how freeing and settling only having to think of myself was,' she said. 

She explained that while she had been keen to become a mother and was happy with her family, she couldn't help but feel she had been happier without children

'Bringing up another human being and being responsible for their physical and mental health is a HUGE responsibility. One I was genuinely happier before I had,' she went on. 

She went on to ask whether it was a terrible attitude to have as a mother, and her post received mixed answers. 

In a subsequent post, she admitted she felt that being responsible for the mental and physical health of a child was a massive mission.  

Many sympathised with the woman and said they had gone through similar experiences.  

'The first five years are horrible and hard work but it gets more fun after that. Dig your heels in, you'll be through it before you realise,' one wrote, thinking the poster was a new mother. 

Many sympathised with the woman and said they had gone through similar experiences with their own children 

'Parenting is tough, you have no time, less money, less freedom, less social activity. I get it. It does get better and you will get your life back,' another wrote. 

'I think it’s how a lot of people feel. I was much happier before having children but I am hoping/assuming that once they are a bit older, I will be back to where I was except this time I will have loved children to make it better,' one said. 

'The feeling of responsibility within a day or two of having my first child hit me like nothing else ever has. I loved him so much, instant love, but f*** me, that sick feeling of not being "free" was completely overwhelming,' one woman said. 

'My three children are all in their 30s. Sad to say, that never goes away. You will deal with the sadness of broken relationships, lost jobs, illnesses and accidents, miscarriages, money worries etc for the rest of your life,' another added. 

Some parents said they felt they could only be as happy as their unhappiest children and admitted it can be a burden 

'The saying "you are only as happy as your unhappiest child" is true. But there will be lots of happy events, celebrations and excitement too,' they added. 

'I think there's a point at which you either accept that your life is no longer really about you anymore and embrace the profound changes that brings, or you get stuck in mourning,' one said. 

'Having kids makes no sense,' one said. 'The effect on your physical and mental health, finances and relationship can be rubbish. For many of us though, there is that draw to have kids and I know I would have been devastated not to have them.

'Mine have left home but I still worry and feel responsible,' they added. 

'I never really felt like this until my kids reached the teenage/young adult years. Now am only as happy as my unhappiest child and it sucks,' another said. 

'Oddly I am much much happier as a parent now I have two, which I wasn't expecting. So that may happen for you too,' one said. 

Some people felt the woman should have taken this in consideration before she had her children 

'Day to day I'm less happy than I was before kids. I find the loss of freedom very difficult. But I'm enjoying the relationship I'm guiding with my dear daughters and I'm looking forward to the bit where there's more solo me time, but with that relationship ongoing too. I feel like they will bring me overall happiness when there's more of a balance,' she added. 

But some felt the woman should have considered this before she had her children.  

'You really didn’t realise that you’d be responsible for another’s mental and physical health when you decided to have children? That’s astounding,' one said. 

'Did you think having children would make you happier? Why? People with children aren't happier than people without children,' one said. 

'However, having children is very rewarding work for most people and gives them a great sense of achievement. Presumably you are proud of your son? And think about why you decided to have a second child? You don't think it will make you happy but you must think there will be a positive outcome? That's what you should focus on,' they added. 

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